Duck Joke

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.




The barman looks at him and says,





"Hang on! You're a duck."



"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.



"And you can talk!" Exclaims the barman.



"I see your ears are working too,"

Says the duck.





"Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"



"Certainly, sorry about that,"

Says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint.





"It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub.. What are you doing round this way?"



"I'm working on the building site across the road," Explains the duck.





"I'm a plasterer."



The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a paper from his bag and proceeds to read it. So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.



The same thing happens for two weeks.

Then one day the circus comes to town.

The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him

"You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!"



"Sounds marvelous,"says the ringmaster, handing over his business card.





"Get him to give me a call."



So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says, "Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money."



"I'm always looking for the next job," Says the duck."Where is it?"



"At the circus,"

Says the barman.



"The circus?"

Repeats the duck.



"That's right,"

Replies the barman.



"The circus?" The duck asks again. With the big tent?"



"Yeah," the barman replies.



"With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?"says the duck.



"Of course," the barman replies.



"And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck.



"That's right!" says the barman.



The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says .. . .

> .

> .

> .

> .





"What the f.... would they want with a plasterer??!"

Iceland Volcano Jokes (not mine)

 Iceland Volcano Jokes (not mine)

It’s a bit early for  Iceland volcano jokes. We should wait a while for the dust to settle.

I see that America has declared war on Iceland.  Apparently  they  are accusing them of harbouring a “weapon  of ash  eruption”.

It was the last wish of the Icelandic economy that its ashes be spread over  Europe.

Iceland  goes bankrupt,  then it manages to set itself on fire. This has insurance scam written  all over  it.

Iceland,  we wanted  your cash, not your ash.

Waiter,  there's  volcanic ash in my soup. I know, it's a no-fly zone.

Richard  Curtis is  working on a new romantic-comedy about people stuck in an airport who fall in  love. The  working title is "Lava Actually".

"Supermarket  chain  Iceland announces that they have shelved plans to launch a new home  delivery  service because they are worried it 'might not take off.'

I came out my house yesterday and was hit on the head by a bag of frozen  sausages,  a chocolate gateau and some fish fingers. I realised it must be the  fallout from  Iceland.